“The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!”

Halloween is on its way, and let me tell you: there is nothing spookier than the AI-generated chapter of Harry Potter.

For anyone who hasn’t heard, the fine people over at Botnik Studios fed all the Harry Potter books into a predictive algorithm and told it to make some bestselling magic. It responded with astonishing gusto, spitting out Chapter Thirteen: “The Handsome One” of the Real Actual J.K. Rowling’s new hit novel, “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.”

The title alone should tell you a little bit about what you’re getting into. It’s uncanny–and absolute chaos. The prose is built in patterns that clearly resemble authorly intent, right until they veer southwards into cosmic outerworlds and never look back. It’s wildly off but also bizarrely consistent. Please consider.

“Harry could tell Voldemort was standing right behind him. He felt a great overrreaction. He tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Voldemort raised his eyebrows at Harry, who could not see anything at the moment.”

“To Harry, Ron was a loud, slow, and soft bird. Harry did not like to think about birds.”

“‘Not so handsome now,’ thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce. The Death Eaters were dead now, and Harry was hungrier than he’d ever been.”

I implore you to read “Chapter Thirteen: The Handsome One,” better yet aloud to someone. You won’t realize how much you’ve been trained to expect certain sentence structures until you realize how sideways these ones are. Resume your day, and please enjoy.

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